Knowledge, success, hope--this book will provide you with none of these things.
For those who are curious to check out the contents and "guidance" provided in this book, I would like to offer a brief, but important warning before you embark on your treacherous journey. I am this book's editor. I have thoroughly handled, absorbed, and regurgitated the contents of this book over and over again, and while most of the content in this "self-help" book is, in my professional opinion, completely ridiculous and easily recognized as such, I fear that some of you who read this book may sadly find yourselves duped by Joel's terrible advice.
Speaking modestly, Keys to Success from a Completely Unsuccessful Person represents is a collection of thoughts, ideas, and errant opinions from the delusional mind of a self-proclaimed self-help guru. Somehow, Joel has miraculously and single-handedly compiled more nonsense, utter gibberish, and complete lunacy into one book than any other author in all of human history that I am presently aware of.
Again, while I do believe that the majority of readers will find themselves deeply amused at the sheer idiocy in this anthology of stupidity, I fear that some poor souls may just get sucked into the author's delusions. For that reason, I have provided this warning to please disregard Joel's terrible advice. For most readers, I expect and hope that they will be amused by the book's clear guidance on how not to find success and find humor in what the book attempts to instruct them to do.
Perhaps most importantly, I believe that although my hand was forced to publish this book of unrefined nonsense by Joel and my superiors, Joel will finally be exposed to the world for who he really is--a completely unsuccessful person.
Success is not an accident.
I mean, it can totally be an accident, if you’re born into a wealthy family or win the lottery or something then it can definitely be an accident, but actual standard everyday can’t-buy that- online success is something that most of people will need to work towards.
And it is very rare in this world, this success thing, to see someone with the fortitude, the aptitude, the cajones if you will, to be successful and continually being successful like me.
You see, success isn’t just the coming together of numerous serendipitous factors in some grand and awesome fashion. Success is a set of behaviors and a mindset that will allow you to truly become successful.
I will explain this further later, but for now, you may be wondering, what does success mean? I mean success could mean many things to many people in many places or situations. Is it even definable??
Well success means freedom. It is the freedom to say or do whatever you want without concern. It means doing the things you don’t want to do when you want to do them. Success is the ability to have fun and travel to expensive locations on private jets and eat the best foods and drink the best drinks with all the famous people. Success is receiving VIP treatment when you walk into a concert, or bar, or speakeasy, or some fun event and not having to wait in line with the rest of everyone less successful than you are.
B: Success is also choice. Would you like the grey Maserati or the blue one? Well why not both??
Lastly, success makes you feel awesome!
“Look at me and my two Maseratees! Aren’t I the cat’s pajamas?!”
Doesn’t all this sound like fun?
That’s because it is fun! And I know this because I’m successful, and I get to do fun stuff like this all the time in my successful life. And whether you know it or not, success is something that you can achieve as well and turn into a reality for yourself.
Thankfully, I’m your guide to awesomeness. I’m your mistress of joie de vivre. Your travel planner to the city of Successtown! In other words, in order to help get you there, I am here to help get you there. I am gonna show you the way to find your success and unlock what you really most likely have inside of you already but just aren’t’ able to properly work out yourself!
About the author:
Born on the East Coast but raised in the Southwest, Joel Cunningham is co-founder of Parametric Studios in Scottsdale , Arizona., He has worked in marketing for the last fifteen years. He has acted in numerous commercial projects, produced and written for numerous TV and film projects, and is the current host of a film & television review podcast called The Reel Review Podcast. Keys to Success from a Completely Unsuccessful Person is his first book.