"The author did an immensely insane depiction of drama, I was biting my bottom lip in the final pages! I would highly suggest grabbing this up, either by paperback or on the Kindle, as Amazon is offering. 5 Delish stars, I can't wait to see more from this author, I would highly recommend!"- MissyDevoursDelishReads, Goodreads
Published: February 2014
What if you were afraid to even turn the doorknob to your front door when coming home because of what might wait inside? What would it take to make you step out of your shadows, to once and for all break free from the twisted security of familiarity, and take a chance, a little risk, that could change everything?
Nicky Young is a woman who has come of age and is beginning to realize the first layer of her fears carried through her childhood from growing up in a family battling alcoholism. They have impacted her severely when forming relationships.
Abandonment, devaluing, fear of everything good ending—all are why she has been happy to stand back in the shadows. Watching. Observing. Stepping out only when safe. Until Ryan Tilton, a professional baseball player who also has abandonment issues of his own, promises her a relationship that could be like no other.
Now, in order to transition into a life she'd always imagined, she needs to take the first steps of risk to embrace the rise and fall, the love and heartache, and joys of life. Through small steps she struggles to trust, most importantly herself, but also others, enough to let them a little closer. The rage of her father's addiction pushes and pulls her back, but with all her heart she wants to break free and start a life that is brilliant and unafraid of failure. But can she?
My heart is on fire. For the first time in my life I am awake and the desires I’ve pushed down are smoldering. The shadows of my youth are daring me to step away from them, and new visions are circling through my head that include having intimacy in a way I never dreamed of.
My name is Nicky Young. This is my coming of age story and family saga. I have begun to understand if I want to live differently than my parents—an alcoholic father and co-dependent mother—I need to love, forgive, trust and live with an open heart. As I look in the mirror, I am seeing a new woman emerging—one I’m not sure of and trying hard to discover.
Through family dysfunction and by the lack of affection in my household I learned not to get too close. Rage and violence lurked when we became vulnerable and the way I learned to protect myself was to build high and thick walls of defense around my heart. I dream about having a full, open, and intimate relationship. I want a real adult romance with every beat of my heart. But I can’t trust anyone enough—especially myself.
That was until I met Ryan Tilton, a very sexy professional baseball player who lost his father at only fourteen. In many ways we seem to be ancient spirits. He promises to hold me in his arms like I’ve never been held, and is offering me a chance to step out of fear and experience what is like to ask for what I want without being afraid. I feel my heart opening. I feel . . . joy.
This is my battle: A fight to break generational chains of dysfunction and addiction, to understand the choices of my parents, to love and trust myself, so that I can love and trust another. This story is about transitioning into joy. I invite you to follow me on my journey and the struggle I’m desperate to overcome.
Swept into a romance with professional baseball player, Ryan Tilton, we've just had an evening of dreams—until I wouldn't have sex with him. I couldn't risk it. To me, sex means marriage. It means love and forever. I tried to explain. I didn't hide it. But to him, it means love, acceptance, and that he wouldn't be abandoned the same way he was when a boy of fourteen and his father was killed in the Middle East. He's pleaded with me to tell him my feelings and openly tells me he loves me. I can't repeat the words. Once I do, he'll abandon me just like my parents—discounting my feelings because they can't deal with their own. I couldn't risk it. I knew he'd leave.
Dad battles his alcoholism. Mom embraces her co-dependency. They've gambled with their daughters' mental and physical safety multiple times over the years.
I'm at a crossroads trying to understand this threshold of being an adult, yet emerging from childhood. It's as if a tornado has taken me into it's roar spun and tossed me around, breaking me away as I cling to the twisted security of my family—even the word "secure" sends a shiver through me. I've never been.
Being raised in an dysfunctional family battling alcoholism whispers, stay hidden in the shadows, be safe, don't be noticed or share too much.
I know this is it.
I need to take a risk.
I need to let go of old fears, forgive my parents, embrace intimacy and move forward. I need to trust—especially myself—so that I can transition into joy.
It's Amazing, but for the first time in my life I have let go of the control. I've battled so hard to hold onto the twisted security of my family's battle with alcoholism—it's what I've known—never risking too much, holding back, so the hurt didn't cut too deep. Now?
I feel a new life
An unknown.
Vulnerable.
It's magnificent.
It's . . . intimacy, being held, letting someone see into my dark places so the light, hidden since a little girl, can finally become brilliant.
It's amazing. I'm about to shout my love for a man who seems to understand me like no one ever has. After I do, will everything fall apart? In my heart of shadows, the fear of being abandoned beats inside my head with regular rhythms.
"Please take me in your arms," I say silently. "Accept my dark places. Help me understand you won't leave me." Maybe I'm dreaming when he says, "Whatever path we choose, whatever arises, we'll overcome our fears."
Have a finally been set free from generational mistakes that are passed forward in our family? Dare I ask for what I want and trust myself enough to share my thoughts, wishes, dreams . . . dare I actually hope in another person? Will he break his promises like my parents did to me? Can I really, really, be alive, be vulnerable, open and reach for deep, sensual intimacy? Can I take a risk and transition into joy?
EXCERPT
I always prayed the same way at night: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Please bless my mother, father, sister, everyone in the world, and me. And please make my father quit drinking.”
As a child growing up in a family battling alcoholism, this is what I know:
Something bad is coming; it always does.
I can’t ask for help; I’m too ashamed.
I can’t talk about our secrets; no one understands.
I can’t trust anyone; they always leave.
The evening begins when I am eight and my sister, eleven. We were trying to finish dinner before he'd unraveled. Within minutes, I’m hiding under the dining room table, cowering; praying that he won’t see my hiding place.
I hear my sister face the wrath of our father’s anger.
My small body curls into a ball.
It’s as if the desert storms from our mother’s childhood have come to us, their thunder and lightning crashing. I pray, "Please, God, protect me from the monster in my house.”
Tonight, we try to avoid our dad’s drunkenness and count down the minutes until Mom comes home from her night shift at the Juvenile Hall in San Francisco.
These evenings occur frequently in our house. Jenise and I are caught in a spider's web, wrapped in our father’s terrible addiction.
We prepare for the coming terror.
My sister has refused to eat a scoop of creamed corn, given to us for dinner without a second thought of how we hated it.
Once he’s done with Jenise, I know he’ll turn to find me.
I clench my teeth in fear. I'm shaking under the dining room table.
My passion is writing books that tell a love story and family saga of leaving old fears behind as the characters embrace intimacy and transition to joy. My first series, Broken Bottles, details those fears of growing up in a family battling alcoholism. Along with the struggle and pain of a parent's rage, there is intelligence, strength, and survival. How to love intimately in all relationships is the challenge. For children of trauma, it can take years to let another person come close. When they do? It's like rainbows cover their heart.
Slowly, you'll read how my characters become vulnerable, reach for deep, sensual intimacy, and try desperately to let go of their fears. They struggle and risk everything to trust others—and themselves. My stories are about daring to take the baby steps that let them really come alive and in every way, experience and give love.
MAKING MONEY TO CREATE: The small, vacation rental/ property management company I run with my husband and son in Sonoma County, California allows me to have the money for my creative life. I love that I was born and raised in San Francisco. My father introduced me to baseball when I was six. I've rung a cable car bell, and went to concerts in Golden Gate Park with my sister where Jimmy Hendrix, Jefferson Airplane and Santana once played.
WHAT I'VE DONE/AM DOING – IT'S A JOURNEY OF DREAMS: Broken Bottles is a four part series. Two books, Shadow Heart and Fire Heart, are ready. Soon to follow are Jagged Heart and Amazing Heart. I'm honored to have 3 poems in an anthology called The Beats Go On, and a story in Sisters Born, Sisters Found. I have released the first book in a series for Introverts called The Introverts Guide to the Galaxy: Attending Conferences.
My Dream? To create beautifully decorated and custom journals with gorgeous paper that accompany each book series: The Introvert's Journal, A Family Saga Journal, My Body's Journal, and Trauma: You Can't Stop Me Journal. Journaling was a lifesaver for me. I was in shock. You may be in shock. Don't let that keep your heart frozen!
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