Several of us were gathered in the television room, waiting for the third
and final cigarette break — the last activity of the day. We were all watching NBC Nightly News with Lester Holt, a
preferred television program of the infirm, it seemed. I was reflecting on how
bad the astigmatism in my right eye had gotten since my admittance to the
Hampton Behavioral Health Facility, and I was thinking about what I would say
to Lester Holt in a live television interview as I watched NBC Nightly News with my left eye closed.
Lester Holt: Are you the spokesperson for your generation?
Me: Yes.
Then I reach out.
And I throttle that poor,
trustworthy news anchor.
I'll make a great famous person.
This particular Nightly News
segment was a follow-up to a story they had done earlier in the year about the
instances of encephalitis in frozen broccoli, the subsequent cover-up by the
agricultural conglomerates, and, ultimately, the manufacture of synthetic
broccoli. This Nightly News segment
included an interview with The Executive Agricultural Secretary of the United
States.
The interview illuminated several things, important to me personally:
1. Synthetic broccoli may cause
insanity or induce coma.
2. Synthetic broccoli may cause
genital abscesses.
3. The Co-Executive Agricultural
Secretary, assistant to the Executive Agricultural Secretary, was sitting right
next to me, mumbling and wringing his pasty hands. They were showing a picture
of him on television. I looked at the television. I looked at him. I looked back
at the television.
Slowly, I put one, two, and three together, but I only arrived at a sum
total of five. I blamed the medication for this.
Meanwhile, The Man Who Ate the Letter H, my roommate at the Hampton
Behavioral Health Facility, had leapt upon The Co-Executive Agricultural
Secretary, I mean, like right up onto his knees, screaming and shaking him by
the sweater vest. I marveled at his balance and tried to ignore the one-sided
fighting.
The Co-Executive Agricultural Secretary was still just babbling and
shaking his head. Even now, I was adding things up and I still didn't know what
was happening.
Later on that night, The Man Who Ate The Letter H told me everything.
-
The Terrifying Importance of Mental ealth
in Bystander: Seven Stories from the New Espionage Collection
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